Are there rocks ahead? If there are, we'll all be dead.
Growing up in Florida, I spent a lot of time in water. I would swim in the natural spring on my great aunt's property all the time. We didn't live very far from the beach. For girls' camp and mutual activities, we would canoe down the river.
I love the river. Moving to St. George was a little disappointing when I saw the size of the rivers which were more like streams or ditches. Nonetheless, I spent a lot of time at the river with my friends.
I respect the great power of water--the constant pull of the current and the mystery of what lies below the surface. The river took the life of my dear friend, Jonny. That day took the joy of the river from my life. It was almost a year before I was able to even walk to the shore of the river.
One of the planned activities for this trip was tubing down the St. Mary River. I was very anxious. I dreamed about my friend, Jonny, all night. I was incredibly nervous. I wasn't sure if I was ready.
My friends, Lindsey and Kevin, were incredibly excited. I decided I needed to at least try or I would develop an intense fear of the river.
We rented tubes. I am very particular about the things I use or purchase. I try to keep all my possessions in the best repair. I couldn't grab the tube on the top, because the material had two tear marks on the side. I grabbed the next red tube. Upon further inspection, I saw that it had a hole in the fabric that lined the bottom. I almost traded it out, but I decided to keep it.
I was shaking upon entering the river, which had nothing to do with the cool temperature of the water.
I had to be tough.
The first part of the journey was fun. I was screaming, but mostly these outbursts were shrieks of delight. There were some rapids, but nothing too intense. One drop threw Kevin out of his tube, but I maneuvered it just fine. My anxiety was passing.
Most of the time, the water was not very deep. The water moves much faster when there is less of it.
I own three pairs of Tevas, but I forgot every pair. I was left with Old Navy flip-flops left out by my sister. I had removed my flip-flops and tucked them into the tube so that I would not lose them off my feet in the water.
My cheerful attitude quickly changed to fearful, accompanied by sheer panic when I was thrown from my tube. I grabbed my tube from underneath as I was being slammed into every rock beneath me. I was finally able to pull myself partway on my tube which was now overturned. That hole in the fabric that I once before despised now played a critical role. I inserted my little finger and held tight as I felt as though I was holding on for dear life. I was later told that my facial expression was rather intense. Part of that intensity was my fear for slipping off into the water and the rest was due to the fact that my body was being beat up under the shallow water. I tried numerous times to dig my feet into the rocks so that I could slow myself down and possibly stand up. I was in much pain and experiencing much anxiety.
I finally gained control and was able to stand up. I caught my breath and said a prayer of thanksgiving. I was not at all ready to continue, but I sat down in my tube because I lacked the stability to remain standing. I floated slowly down the river, passing my friends who did not understand what I had just experienced. I got up ahead of them so that I could break down.
I was shaking uncontrollably and fighting back the tears. Why was I subjecting myself to such misery? Prior to the passing of my dear friend, I could have handled this situation with bravery and competence. Now, I felt as though I was defeated. I was scared. So very scared.
I have never in my life prayed with such passion and conviction. I had to stay in the water or my fears would overcome me. More importantly, I had to stay alive. I did not know what lied ahead.
The Spirit brought peace and comfort to my soul, and I knew I could go on. I again had the courage.
We continued down the river. My friends remained as close as possible. Each time I approached a drop or group of rocks, I repeatedly muttered the word, "please." I was pleading with the Father to provide me with the strength, courage, and balance for which I had prayed.
Despite every desire of my heart, I was thrown from my tube again. This time, not only did my whole body slam against the rocks, but my head pounded a rock as well. I thought to myself that this was the end. But then I remembered the feeling and promise I had received just minutes prior.
I could do it.
I pulled myself back onto my tube ,and with great strength and courage, I was able to stand.
I caught up to Lindsey, where I broke down and cried. I expressed quickly my fears and feelings. I told her that I had to regain composure if I was going to be able to continue on this journey.
Kevin had the idea that if he and Lindsey held on to either side of my tube, that I would not be able to flip.
Within the first few minutes, the idea failed. Lindsey was the lead and her tube got stuck on a rock. She couldn't maneuver off it and she eventually fell out. She lay flat in the water and became trapped between all the tubes. Kevin held tight onto to me and my tube to keep me safe, but was in actuality endangering Lindsey. Lindsey's body rolled under the water as she attempted to come up from the water.
In my mind I was saying over and over to Kevin, "Let go of me. We're going to kill Lindsey!" But the words never came out.
I watched as Lindsey continued to roll back and forth under the water. She was lying there peacefully, exactly the opposite of my struggle. Each time I saw her face, she was smiling. I can still see the image in my mind.
Kevin finally realized what was happening. He intentionally flipped out of his tube hoping it would make it possible for Lindsey to free herself. I was momentarily paralyzed. Freed from Kevin's grasp, I hit the rapids and continued down the river.
Ahead of me was Lindsey's tube.
I was relieved when I saw Lindsey standing in the water. Moments later, Kevin, too, was standing in the water. Lindsey immediately yelled to Kevin to grab her tube.
We found out later that Kevin had been pulled under the water by the current and was trapped for quite some time. He, too, had nearly drowned. The first words he heard upon finding he was still alive was Lindsey's request to retrieve her tube.
Thankfully, the rest of the river was calm and without much danger. We all survived and were grateful to be alive.
Lindsey asked me the next day on how I would rate my tubing experience on a scale from one to ten. I think I surprised her when I quickly stated a ten. I had faced the river once again. I received and immediate answer to prayer. My life was spared. I knew with God, nothing was impossible. Although I would never wish for a similar experience again, I am glad that I faced it. It has shaped my life.
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