Taking Actions Instead of Offenses

One of my favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon is Alma 62: 41.  “But behold, because of the exceedingly great length of the war between the Nephites and the Lamanites many had become hardened, because of the exceedingly great length of the war; and many were softened because of their afflictions, insomuch that they did humble themselves before God, even in the depth of humility.”  This scripture teaches me that we can’t always control what we encounter, such as the adversities we face, but we can control how we respond to these things.  Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, “Our responses inevitably shape our souls and ultimately determine our status in eternity.  Because opposition is divinely decreed for the purpose of helping us to grow, we have the assurance of God that in the long view of eternity it will not be allowed to overcome us if we persevere in faith.  We will prevail.  Like the mortal life of which they are a part, adversities are temporary.  What is permanent is what we become by the way we react to them.”

We are moral agents.  We have the power to choose.  One of the choices we can make is how we respond to feelings of insult, mistreatment, neglect, disrespect, disappointment, and an array of other feelings of hurt.  Do we erupt in anger and lash out on the person who caused or delivered the hurt or even someone else we encounter?  Do we sever a relationship, whether new or long-formed?  Do we mirror back the same action thus perpetuating the injury?  Do we slander the person who caused us harm?  Do we become paralyzed and unable to move forward?  Do we hold on to that hurt until it festers into hate and resentment?  Do we discontinue our Church involvement because of our disappointment or hurt?

Or do we confront and release the feelings, allowing the Savior to heal our hearts?

In a talk from this past General Conference, Elder Neil L. Anderson warned of danger in this life that would cause us to turn away from our Savior and His gospel.  Elder Anderson said, “Two words that signal danger ahead: the words are offended and ashamed.”

Today, I am choosing to address offense.  Elder Anderson said, “Offense comes in many costumes and continually finds its way onstage.  People we believe in disappoint us.  We have unanticipated difficulties.  Our life doesn’t turn out exactly the way we were expecting.  We make mistakes, feel unworthy, and worry about being forgiven.  We wonder about a doctrinal issue.  We learn of something spoken from a Church pulpit 150 years ago that bothers us.  Our children are treated unfairly.  We are ignored or underappreciated.  It could be a hundred things, each very real to us at the time.”

Elder Anderson points out that “during our weakened moments, the adversary seeks to steal our spiritual promises.  If we are not watchful, our injured…spirit will retreat” and we will turn away from the “warm, healing light of the Savior”—that very healing power which is essential for overcoming our injury and pain.

We must use our moral agency to choose not to take offense.  Instead of holding grudges, severing relationships, lashing out, holding onto pain, and even turning away from the Gospel of Jesus Christ, we can choose to enact the Atonement and be healed of the very real pain we are experiencing.  Today, I will suggest actions in which we can prevent taking offense and actions in which we can overcome our “weakened moments”.

One action to prevent the taking of offense is to Build a Firm Foundation.  Paul counseled Timothy to “endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ”; and he taught the Saints to “put on the whole amour of God…wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked”.  “Fiery darts” are often in the form of unkind words and deeds directed against a person who is trying to keep the commandments of God.

In a talk titled “Lessons from Laman and Lemuel” Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught us, “Laman and Lemuel became rebels instead of leaders, resentful instead of righteous—all because of their failure to understand either the character or the purposes of God.”  “We must be firm in our commitment and testimony of the gospel, in our sense of self-worth, in the knowledge of who we are, and in our sense of divine potential.”

One of our hymns teaches, “Do not form opinions blindly; Hastiness to trouble tends; Those of whom we thought unkindly Oft become our warmest friends.”  Another action to prevent the taking of offense is to Assume Good Intent.  When we assume good intent, we are giving the other person the benefit of the doubt and not acting on negative presumption.  There will be times that an email, a phone call, a remark, or a note will cause us to question what the other person is saying.  Instead of creating a story in your head, assuming good intent and then seeking out clarification if necessary will help us to prevent becoming offended.  I am often misunderstood at work, because my communication is very brief.  I prefer to get right to the point.  This has caused some to assume that I am upset with them or that I don’t care about their situation.  When I’m confronted by a coworker, my response is always, “Oh my, that was not my intention.” 

When faced with a situation where we are hurt, we should pause before we internalize or react and assume good intent until we have a chance to confront the situation.  “Let us reach a higher mood, A nobler estimate of man; Be earnest in the search for good, And speak the best we can.”

Perry M. Christenson summarized beautifully in an article in the Ensign an example in the scriptures of the need to understand the intent of others.  He wrote, “Although we sometimes don’t like to admit it, the intent of someone’s criticism may be to help us.  We should be gracious enough to receive the criticism, understanding that the person may be trying to help.

“Moroni, the Nephite military commander, was a man of God, ‘a man of a perfect understanding’, and ‘a man who was firm in the faith of Christ’  (Alma 48: 11-13).  Yet, as are all of us, he was vulnerable to error.  As he led the Nephite armies against the warring Lamanites, he sent a letter to Pahoran—the chief judge and governor over the land of Zarahemla—requesting reinforcements and food for Helaman’s army (see Alma 59:3).  But Pahoran did not respond.

“Moroni then sent another letter to Pahoran, this time criticizing him harshly for his ‘thoughtless stupor’ in not supporting the armies: ‘It is because of your iniquity that we have suffered so much loss,’ he wrote (Alma 60:7, 28).  He also accused Pahoran of disobeying God: ‘Ye know that ye do transgress the laws of God, and ye do know that ye do trample them under your feet’ (Alma 60:33).  After a long letter criticizing Pahoran, Moroni concluded by threatening to come to Zarahemla to get the needed provisions himself, ‘even if it must be by the sword’ (Alma 60:35).

“Unknown to Moroni, Pahoran had not sent the reinforcements and provisions because he was [fighting] his own battles at home: An insurrection had arisen against the government, and king-men—in league with the Lamanites—had taken control of Zarahemla.

“How did Pahoran react to Moroni’s harsh judgment?  How would we feel if we had been unjustly criticized by someone we admired?

“Pahoran’s response is a lesson in restraint and understanding: ‘In your epistle you have censured me,’ he wrote, ‘but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart’ (Alma 61:9).  Pahoran understood the intent of Moroni’s criticism; Moroni sought only for the glory of God and for the freedom and welfare of the people.  Despite the accusations, Pahoran was not offended; he understood and rejoiced in Moroni’s righteous intentions.

“When you feel you have been improperly judged, falsely accused, or offended in some way, pause to reflect upon the person’s intentions.  Frequently, you’ll discover that the intent behind the criticism was constructive and was offered in an effort to help.”

Action number three to prevent taking offense is to recognize that you may not have the whole story.  Before moving here, I had contacted what turned out to be the Singles Ward Relief Society President on facebook.  I was having a hard time finding a place to live.  I came to Tooele on Memorial Day and she showed me around and drove me to a few places that were for rent.  The leads from that day were successful and I moved to the area in July.  On my first Sunday at church, I was frustrated that the ward members were not introducing themselves to me, the new girl.  I was hurt when the Relief Society President, the girl with whom I had previous contact, did not introduce me or allow me to introduce myself as part of opening exercises.  There I sat, angry that my opportunity to immerse myself in this new ward was slighted.  Fortunately, I had a very humbling experience at the end of the meeting.  The girl teaching the lesson ended early, so the Relief Society President got up and said since there was time, she would acknowledge our new members and visitors.  She asked those new or visiting that day to raise their hands.  I looked around and was humbled to see that half of the girls in attendance that day were new or visiting.  It was the summer and many were home from college.  There I had been upset with the girl sitting near me for being rude and not introducing herself while she very well may have been thinking the same thing.  In addition to this principle related to offenses, I also learned from that situation that I could take the opportunity to act or I could passively sit in despair waiting for someone else to act.

It’s possible that when we are ignored or neglected, it is because the other person’s attention is on something much greater.  Last night, I called my mother and she refused to answer, giving the phone to my sister instead.  I could’ve made up an elaborate story in my mind and taken offense to this action, feeling underappreciated and questioning what could be more important than me.  Instead, I trusted my mother and my sister.  As it turned out, my mother was stressed and attempting to resolve a situation that needed her immediate emotional attention.

Action number four is to decide now, while you are in an objective state, what actions you are going to take when faced with something challenging and emotional.  There is a beautiful Mormon Messages video put out by the Church on YouTube about a Salt Lake Church member named Chris Williams whose expectant wife and two of his children were killed in a car wreck by a drunk teenage driver.  In the film, Brother Williams’ Bishop commented, “There is Jesus’s way to resolve problems, to address situations, to handle sorrow, and then there’s some other way.  It is something that I think Chris clued into early in life.   And so, when the moment came for him in that car sitting there, I believe he made the decision long ago what he would do if he was ever in that situation.”  When we are caught off guard by an emotional situation, our objectivity is often clouded.  But if we decide now how we are going to respond when we are hurt or anguished or disappointed, then our appropriate reaction can be automatic.  We can begin immediately to resolve the conflict or to overcome the pain rather than leaving it to fester into a more difficult offense to overcome.

There will most certainly be “clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited” interactions with people that will cause us some kind of hurt.   How do we react?  How do we respond?

First, Don’t Seek Revenge.  Elder H. Burke Peterson, then of the Presiding Bishopric, related the experience of a group of teenagers who were picnicking in the desert outside Phoenix, Arizona.  One of the girls was bitten by a rattlesnake.  Instead of immediately seeking medical attention, the group pursued the snake and sought revenge by killing it with rocks.  Unfortunately, during the precious minutes that the group wasted in exacting revenge, the poison had time to move from the surface of the girl’s skin into the tissues of her foot and leg; her leg later had to be amputated below the knee.

“It was a senseless sacrifice, the price of revenge. …The poison of revenge, or of unforgiving thoughts or attitudes, unless removed, will destroy the soul in which it is harbored,” said Bishop Peterson.

(Brother Christenson) “When we are offended, feelings of hate, dreams of vengeance, or misguided feelings of righteous indignation poison our minds and spirits.  In the end, we are the ones most hurt.  On the other hand, continued Bishop Peterson, ‘forgiveness of others for wrongs—imaginary or real—often does more for the forgiver than for the forgiven.  That person who has not forgiven a wrong or an injury has not yet tasted of one of the sublime enjoyments of life’ (Ensign, November 1983, pages 59-60).”

Next, Confront the Situation.  I have been working on our school’s science fair for months—making plans, communicating with parents, and providing students with needed information.  A few weeks ago, I received an email from an administrator stating that the plans for the science fair had changed.  I responded immediately to the email and expressed my disapproval of the changes and my frustration regarding what I assumed to be a throwing out of my hard work.  We exchanged a few emails since she was out of the building and it became evident that we needed to meet in person to confront the situation.  During our meeting, I was able to provide insight into my actions.  I outlined the work that had gone into the event so far and explained our reasoning for the plans we had made.  We were able to sort out our differences and the situation was resolved.  Had we not confronted the situation, I would have surely held some degree of animosity in my heart for some time.  (I am quite stubborn.)  Instead, this administrator and I are combined in our efforts and our science fair should be a wonderful success.

Seek Reconciliation.  “And if thy brother of sister offend thee, thou shalt take him or her between him or her alone; and if he or she confess thou shalt be reconciled.”  When we are hurt, we should quietly take the person aside and openly discuss the situation.  During this discussion, we should be seeking resolution or compromise.  Regarding the science fair situation at work, I could have attempted to slander my administrator’s name and used this situation as fuel for the fire that unfortunately burns in the hearts of a select few who harbor ill feelings of some regard for my school.  I could’ve walked into that meeting with the intention of dramatizing her error and attempting to mark myself as blameless.  But instead, we wanted what was best for the students and the others involved and didn't let our pride get in the way.  I worked with her to come up with a better plan than either of us had individually.  The calm discussion of our differences in opinion resulted in insight and clarity.  Because we were both willing to compromise and communicate, we were able to modify the original plan which actually resulted in a reduced workload for me and other volunteers involved while still being what we thought was best for the students.

“Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”  Seven year-old Carlee’s story of returning good for mean can be found in the August 1999 Friend.  She said, “I had a new coat and was eager to wear it to school the next day.  I couldn’t wait for my friends to see it.

“While I was playing outside for recess, a boy laughed at my new coat and made fun of it.  At first I was really angry and hurt and wanted to say something mean back to make him feel bad.  But then I remembered the lesson I had in my Primary class.  My teacher taught us that in Old Testament times, the law was an eye for an eye. But when Jesus Christ came to earth, He taught about love and about how important it is to forgive someone when they do something mean or bad.

“After I remembered my Primary lesson and thought about what Jesus would want me to do, I decided to just turn around and walk away.  I know it was better to forgive the boy than to say something mean back.  I felt good inside because I had made the right choice.”

The words of a hymn remind us that “Charity and love are healing; These will give the clearest sight.”  When we participate in acts of service and sincere charity to those that may have hurt us, we may gain the needed insight to why this person may have said or done the thing he did.  Regardless of whether we have this moment of insight, we will certainly experience a softening of our heart that will allow it to be healed.  Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said, “Kindness is a passport that opens doors and fashions friends.  It softens hearts and molds relationships that can last lifetimes.”

To truly overcome our pain or hurt, we need to enact the Atonement of Jesus Christ and to forgive those who have hurt us.  Brother Williams, the one who lost his wife and children in the car wreck, said, “For the first few months after the accident, I felt …the initial shock that such a huge part of my life was now gone.  And that’s a very difficult thing to go through, to kneel down and desire to speak to my Father in Heaven when I’m so lonely, when I’m so anguished.  It’s an interesting conversation to have.  You know, He doesn’t immediately try to make it better.  He listened to me first, and I thought that was very helpful.  He allowed me to get that anger off my chest.  But inevitably, He would always come back and teach me about His Son, Jesus Christ.  When I did feel anger, or when there was a deep sense of loneliness, I didn’t direct that at the person that caused this.  It directed itself at the Savior.” Brother Williams reflected, “As I looked out the driver’s side window and saw the overturned car that had hit us, that struck us, in my heart I didn’t know, in my mind I didn’t understand or comprehend still how it had happened or who had done it to us or what the circumstances were.  The only thing I remember feeling and sensing is that I needed to let this go.”

Elder Gordon B. Hinckley, when he was a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, taught, “There is no peace in harboring old grudges.  There is no peace in reflecting on the pain of old wounds.  There is peace only in repentance and forgiveness.  This is the sweet peace of the Christ, who said, ‘Blessed are the peacemakers for they are called the children of God’ (Matthew 5:9).”  When we refuse to forgive others, we become filled with anger, hate, and a desire for revenge.  These feelings can cause us to lose the companionship of the Holy Ghost and make it more difficult for us to live other gospel principles.  Also, when we do not forgive someone, it can become more difficult for that person to complete his or her repentance process.  Elder Richard G. Scott said, “Forgiveness…allows the love of God to purge your heart and mind of the poison of hate.  It cleanses your consciousness of the desire for revenge.  It makes a place for the purifying, healing, restoring love of the Lord.”

We can take action instead of taking offense.  We can build a firm foundation, seeking to know God and understand His gospel.  We can assume good intent and seek clarification and information as needed.  We can decide now how we will react or respond to hurtful situations.  We can forget about seeking revenge.  Instead, we can confront our offender and seek reconciliation.  We can serve and pray for those who hurt us.  We can let the pain go and forgive our offender.

I testify that as you let the Savior into your heart, His presence will push out your pain and your anguish.  His atonement and sacrifice has made it possible for us to be healed and to overcome our adversity and our afflictions.  He can and will heal your heart if you but turn to Him and seek Him out.  Live the principles of the gospel and you will be blessed.

I say these things in the name of our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ.  Amen.